is Having an Affair
by: Dr. Robert Huizenga
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A coaching client recently told me, "I'm convinced if two people are totally honest, they can be married." As a dating coach for midlifers, I hear from a lot of folks who are dating. I also stay current with the dating scene on the Internet, and read the profiles people write. Men often say that "honesty" is crucial for a relationship, while women rarely do. Let's take a look at this.
First I'm going to speculate as to why men say this and women don't, and then I want to talk about the place of honesty in a relationship.
As we know from research, and such books as "If Men Could Talk: Unlocking the Secret Language of Men,"(http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316178683/susandunnmome-20), by Alon Gratch, Ph.D., men, as a rule, have more trouble verbalizing emotions, something most of us would also agree is crucial to an intimate relationship. Not that we need to talk about emotions all the time, but that it's necessary to know what you feel and to be able to communicate it when necessary. It becomes particularly important when the relationship meets an impasse. You need to what the problem really is. Are you picking on her about her outfit because you haven't had sex in 4 days? Are you accusing him of ignoring you all the time, when really he does a fair job most of the time, but tonight you're hungry and tired?
According to Emotional Intelligence research, men and women test the same overall, but men, on average, are not as empathic as women (Reuven BarOn). Simon-Baron, Cambridge professor of psychology and psychiatry agrees. His thesis in "The Essential Difference: The Truth About the Male and Female Brain," is: "The female brain is predominantly hard-wired for empathy. The male brain is predominantly hard-wired for understanding and building systems."
Of course the "average" man, statistically speaking, is not necessarily the individual sitting in front of you. But where there's smoke there's fire.
So why the male emphasis on "honesty"? And are they referring to honesty about thoughts, feelings, facts, or what? If what we're being honest about is "the truth," how we feel is indisputable, and many facts are, but the truth of any given situation is relative, most of us would agree,or our relationships would not become the imbroglios they do
"Mr. and Mrs. Smith does a great job or portraying marriage, and beings with him saying they've been married 5 years, and her saying "6". If there's an absolute truth ("reality"), it's of little use in human relations.
Men engage more in what's called "selective remembering."
He remembers the games he won, not the games he lost. He remembers when to change the oil in the car, but not his girl-friend's birthday. Selective listening may be part of it. He hears that the prime rate has gone down, but not that you'd like more time with him. I couldn't help wonder if this client would hear "honesty" if it were given.
"Honesty", I think, is a systems-word. Women, in their profiles, are more likely to focus on behaviors. "No philanderers," they say, and "no addicts." You see the difference . if he's unfaithful and honest about it , they're still not interested. Doh.
Women use language to connect, and are more hard-wired for emotion. They enjoy experiencing it and talking about it, while men consider emotions a call to discharge by action. They are not as likely to use a verbal strategy to deal with a feeling.
Women have a larger corpus callosum, so it's easier for us to talk about emotions. TALKING about a FEELING is multi-tasking, and one of the hardest things we ask our brains to do.
Women also say thousands more words a day than men do. Testosterone causes silence. Men talk about facts and want clarity and brevity. Women also, according to Reuven Bar-on, have a greater sense of social responsibility. Does this preclude honesty? When we meet for lunch, we greet each other as Nancy, and Kelly, and Meg. Men? Fatso, and Stupid and Loser. Are men being more "honest"? If so, are they being less socially responsible, i.e., not caring if they hurt the other guy's feelings? I can't imagine a man's feelings being hurt by that, yet no woman would greet another woman with Big Butt, Drama Queen, or Boobless Wonder, though they might think it.
Would being 100% honest insure the survival of a relationship? No. The person might be "honest" about the fact that they could not live with you any more and were filing for divorce. Do men say this because they're attempting to systemize, with rules? Or because they've found women to be "dishonest"?
I've heard more than one man say, "I don't know why she left me. I thought we had a perfect marriage. (Women divorce men more often than vice versa.) Variations include, "She was deceptive. I didn't know anything was wrong," and "She told me why she was leaving, but it doesn't make any sense." A plea for "honesty" might be a plea for comprehensibility.
A female client told me she told her man, "I love but, you I don't like you right now." He said she was being dishonest, "because you can't be both at once". It didn't fit his system or either/or. Honesty, I think, or the reporting of it, requires clear, logical thinking. Who's clear and logical when fighting with a lover? Or listening to one?
If you're a man, are you listening, as in hearing? This means hearing the feelings, not assessing the facts. If you're a woman, are you being clear? Women tend to know sooner when a relationship is headed for trouble and attempt to address it. If you're a man, are you hearing this as "being told what to do"?
I think this plea from men for honesty is a wish to be able to understand the woman they love (and themselves in the relationship). They want facts and clarity. However, to understand others, you must first understand yourself, and this means feelings. Honesty, alas, begins at home.
As a concept that I believe is both unachievable and potentially destructive, I tend to agree with Graham Greene: "The truth has never been of any real value to any human being - it is a symbol for mathematicians and philosophers to pursue. In human relations, kindness and lies are worth a thousands truths." It is nearly impossible for me to outright lie, about either a fact or a feeling, but I will at times do what the Arabs propose: "It is good to know the truth, but it is better to speak of palm trees." Discretion is the better part of valor.
There's something else to consider about being honest:
Whether it's true or not, it's true. As John Lilly said, "In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true."
Now, what about total honesty between two people?
Kindness may be of more value. Honesty should not be used as the weapon it can be. One of the cruelest things we can do is to use an intimate revelation against the person who said it. We know how to hurt the people we love. It's part of our obligation as a decent human beings not to do this. "Better a lie that heals than a truth that wounds," say the Czechs.
Should you be honest about your feelings? Yes . but. Let's say he wants sex and you don't. It's one thing to say, "I don't feel like it now. I had a terrible day at work," and even possible to say, "Not until you've taken a shower and put on some deodorant." But to say, "No, you're the worst lover I've ever had, and like you were saying about your ex-wife the other night ." That sort of "honesty" is inexcusable, and, if not true, soon will be.
There's no easy solution to this. I researched the world's proverbs on this subject we all struggle with. Most were in the vein of "Whoever tells the truth is chased out of nine villages." (African). The Corsicans stood out: "He who tells the truth will never be unhappy," they say. Maybe the answer lies in the Arab proverb: "When you shoot an arrow of truth, dip its point in honey."
An intimate relationship isn't a system, it's a dance, and the music is emotions. Developing your EQ is essential, so you can learn to know, manage and express your emotions better, and to practice the competency of forgiveness, which will always be needed.
Sometimes the most honest thing you can say is, "I don't know what to say now," and the most helpful thing you can say is, "I love you." And keep in mind, to paraphrase Thomas Leonard, we're all doing our very best, even when clearly we're not.
Not what are you going to say, honestly, to your loved one when she says, "Does my butt look fat in these pants?" and when he says, "Am I a good lover?" You can always got to a feeing, and here are some: I feel uncomfortable when you ask me that.
I'm wondering why you ask.
I love you.
Let's talk about what you're really wanting to know.
©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional success. We coach and train EQ coaches internationally. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for information on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program, arranged to fit your schedule. Coaching is the ideal profession. Email for FREE EQ ezine.
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One of the most common human experiences that two or more (depending on how ambitious you are) people can share is love. But, it’s not always easy to tell if you are in “like”, “lust” or full blown, forever loving. With that in mind, I’ve created this list of signs that you may be crazy in love!
1. If you’ve ever stared deeply into the eyes of your significant other for more than 10 seconds without cracking up hysterically … you may be in love.
2. If every person in your life tells you that she/he’s no good and you’re mailman, pharmacist and local news station agrees, yet you think they are “just jealous” … you may be in love.
3. Guys: if you’ve taken the pictures of the other women in you’re life off the walls, like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition posters, Playmate of the month calendar, Monster Truck Rally 2005 … you may be in love.
4. Ladies: men can produce excessive amounts of eye watering, nose burning noxious odor from almost any food or drink, and then aren’t above sharing it with others, especially at night. Knowing all this, and you STILL want to sleep in the same bed with him … you may be in love.
5. If your significant other asks you how they look in their new retro polyester lime green outfit and you say they look hot … you may be in love…. or you have a really strong self preservation instinct.
6. Guys: if you’ve ever given up washing and waxing that new car you just bought to watch “Sleepless in Seattle” with you’re girlfriend/wife for the 20th time … you may be in love.
7. If you always remember every anniversary and birthday of your partner, and you’re not female … you may be in love.
8. If you think the underwear and socks you get for your birthday and Christmas every year is a pleasant surprise … you may be in love.
9. If you thought the Sears Tool Set and rolling cabinet you got for your birthday was great idea, and you’re not male ... you may be in love.
10. If you are taken to Burger King for a romantic dinner, and that doesn’t bother you … you may be in love.
11. If you notice your local florist starts arriving at work in a limo since you became a customer ... you may be in love
12. If hearing "Honey, wheres my clean underwear?" brings tears of joy to your eyes ... you may be in love
But the easiest way to tell if you are in love is this: If there is no one on this planet that you would rather spend everyday of your life with than the one you are with … then you ARE in love!
Jan Michaels is a self-described relationship expert (why is his girlfriend laughing?) that is truly in love. When not writing amusing articles, he doesn't do much of anything really important, unless feeding the cat counts.
You can see more of his musings or various and sundry humorous items at: http://www.brunkco.com
Or, you may contact him at: hiredgun@brunkco.com Read more...
As I had my morning coffee, the "Dear Abby" column caught my eye. A reader wrote in with a dating dilemma and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that "Women use sex to get love, and men use love to get sex." This is a great summation of the "Sex Trap."
The Sex Trap is similar to the Love Trap, where singles interpret good sex as love. But those who fall into the Sex Trap go even farther, because for these singles, having sex carries immense meaning and consequences.
Singles fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of two ways:
A. they believe sex is a necessary test of compatibility, (if the sex is good then the relationship will be good as well)
B. more commonly, all consciousness goes out the window, and one or both formerly level-headed singles consider themselves a committed couple as soon as they have sex.
So, rather than looking at whether this other person might be a match on levels other than physical attraction — such as long-term requirements, needs, and wants — they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
No doubt, it can be challenging to keep in touch with reality when all those hormones are running wild. Our body reacts to someone we are attracted to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone (increases sexual desire), which makes the opportunity to have sex with someone we are attracted to extremely hard to resist. Then, after orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce emotions), which makes us feel very close to and bonded with our sex partner.
These chemical reactions are involuntary and strong, leading to powerful feelings of attraction, excitement, love, closeness, and well-being.
But when problems arise, those who fall into the Sex Trap often rationalize by thinking, "Well, we've got problems, but the sex is great!" They most likely wouldn't admit it, but they prioritize physical intimacy and regard the rest as optional. Their main scouting tools are sexual attraction and physical compatibility.
Barry North, an RCI coach who works primarily with gay men, says that many of his clients have fallen into the Sex Trap.
"For gay men especially in metropolitan areas, sex is readily available, and that in itself is a trap," North says. "In addition, the culture, with its emphasis on physical appearance, encourages sexual activity. Many gay men want to find out from the beginning if a potential partner is going to be sexually compatible. Why waste your time if the sex isn't going to be good?"
Nonetheless, North adds, "I suspect this is a 'guy' thing rather than a 'gay' thing."
I do want to point out that chemistry is important. Yet, chemistry is a given that we can't control in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it must be there for the partnership to work. If not there, we can't "make" chemistry happen, though sometimes it can grow over time.
Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry risk relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication wears off and reality hits.
To avoid the Sex Trap, you must balance your heart (and hormones) with your head. This means combining chemistry with common sense. While good sex is important for a sustainable relationship, you need to make your partner choices by paying full attention to your vision, values, goals and requirements — while feeling all those exciting sparks!
About The Author:
David Steele, MA, is the founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute and a pioneer in working with singles. He has helped thousands of singles and couples get what they want from relationships. His new book, Conscious Dating; Finding the Love of Your Life in Today’s World, readers precisely how to get what they want in their own life. To learn more, visit http://www.consciousdating.com/
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Some of these signs of a cheating spouse are "tongue in cheek" while others are tell tale signs that commonly appear with a cheating husband or cheating wife. There is no copyright. Feel free to forward to those who might be interested. But please don't change anything.
1) You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you've had a vasectomy.
2) Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. (They either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible wife or girlfriend you are.)
3) Your cheating husband or wife stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.
4) Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you about it.
5) He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard.
6) She joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program.
7) She buys a cell phone and doesn't let you know.
8) He sets up a separate cell phone account that is billed to his office.
9) The cheating husband carries condoms, and you are on the pill.
10) Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.
11) Deletes all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate.
12) He becomes "accusatory," asking if you are being true to him, usually out of guilt.
13) Raises hypothetical questions such as, "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?"
14) He buys himself new underwear.
15) He insists the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.
16) The cheating wife stops wearing her wedding ring.
17) Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.
18) Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.
19) Suddenly wants to try new love techniques.
20) He/she fairly suddenly stops having sex with you.
21) He/she suddenly wants more sex, more often.
22) Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub.
23) Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.
24) You find out by accident he or she took vacation day or personal time off from work - but supposedly worked on those days.
25) Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.
26) Spouse's co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence.
27) Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.
28) Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.
29) He throws up a lot because he just ate at his mistress's house and had to eat the dinner you prepared when he got home.
30) Your spouse is away from home, either nights or on trips, more than previously.
31) His/her clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave. You see lipstick on your husband's shirt.
32) The amount of money being deposited into your checking account drops off.
33) You find items of intimate apparel or other small gift-type items that you did not give your spouse.
34) Your spouse seems less comfortable around you and is "touchy" and easily moved to anger.
35) You get calls where the caller hangs up when he or she hears your voice.
36) He/she loses attention in the activities in the home.
37) Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right.
38) He/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home.
39) She uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly.
40) She has a "glow" about her.
41) Atypical erratic behavior.
42) He sneaks out of the house.
43) She sleeps with her purse by the bed.
44) She goes to the store for groceries and comes home 5 hours later.
45) He tells you that you can get hold of him at a different telephone number.
46) The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/cmd.php?ad=139627
Friday, April 18, 2008
The male orgasm
In the past years sex has changed from the simple sex between couples either married, engagae or dating. It was just the simple forplay of touching and kissing of the lips and neck. Over the years it evelpved into more foreplay where men and women can find that sensual feeling from just the tongue and the fingers.
It even changed in the way of not being something of true feelings and emotions and love. Now it is mainly about pleassure and ability to perform at your best. Now it is a simbol that is shown as an important aspect of every human being who know about the aspects of sex and also who have the ability of prforming this act.
In this century of sexually explicit ideas and products the simple orgasm was mainly intended for the female body. Where most products onthe market give rise to satisfying a woman's body. The human body has many different nerve points and the all are aroused in sexual acts. The feeling a woman gets when she has an orgasm.
Now in my own sexual encounters i am what u would call a blosoming rose of this sexuall influenced world. As a woman i speak for all womaen when i say having and orgasm is a feeling of utter satisfaction. The only way i can explain it to you is the feeling of every nerve in your body pulling at the same time which cause u to make that sunsual noise that turns a man on.
I have found the new wave of the woman's sexual ability it does not involve any sex but im tell u now this will revolutionise the hold woman will have over men. There is a spot i have found on the male body that can give him the feeling that women get when they are experiencing an orgasm. Bellow the stomach close to the hip bone use your tongue and lick jently, don't stop and he will experience the most devine feeling ever he will have no controll over anything not even to stop u. This i call the male orgasm.
written by STACY DHANILAL
email: sweet_spice19@hotmail.com
About the author:a girl from the little caribbean country of trinidad exploring her life at every angle
It even changed in the way of not being something of true feelings and emotions and love. Now it is mainly about pleassure and ability to perform at your best. Now it is a simbol that is shown as an important aspect of every human being who know about the aspects of sex and also who have the ability of prforming this act.
In this century of sexually explicit ideas and products the simple orgasm was mainly intended for the female body. Where most products onthe market give rise to satisfying a woman's body. The human body has many different nerve points and the all are aroused in sexual acts. The feeling a woman gets when she has an orgasm.
Now in my own sexual encounters i am what u would call a blosoming rose of this sexuall influenced world. As a woman i speak for all womaen when i say having and orgasm is a feeling of utter satisfaction. The only way i can explain it to you is the feeling of every nerve in your body pulling at the same time which cause u to make that sunsual noise that turns a man on.
I have found the new wave of the woman's sexual ability it does not involve any sex but im tell u now this will revolutionise the hold woman will have over men. There is a spot i have found on the male body that can give him the feeling that women get when they are experiencing an orgasm. Bellow the stomach close to the hip bone use your tongue and lick jently, don't stop and he will experience the most devine feeling ever he will have no controll over anything not even to stop u. This i call the male orgasm.
written by STACY DHANILAL
email: sweet_spice19@hotmail.com
About the author:a girl from the little caribbean country of trinidad exploring her life at every angle
7 Ways to Drive a Man Wild
by: Caterina Christakos
It's unbelievable the amount of bad advice there is out there on how to seduce a man or if they give you advice they forget to tell you how to use it properly. So here are a couple of tips on what to do and what not to do to drive a man wild and an instruction manual.
1) Dress in a way that makes you feel sexy and also flatters your figure. Let's face it some of us look ridiculous in stilettos. Red is almost always a good color. Try a red slinky dress and comfortable undergarments. Those torture devices they sell to suck in our guts look great under the dress but are not sexy at all when you are trying to yank them off for a wild night of pleasure.
2) Pay attention to what he has to say for a change. Yes you can talk about yourself but a man finds it really refreshing when a woman allows him to have his own time in the spotlight.
3) Don't talk about your ex. If he asks, keep it short and sweet. You are starting fresh with this guy. No need to bring in the ghost of past relationships. You are perfect to him in the beginning. There is no reason to make him wonder if the last guy who dumped you was right.
4) Wear a light attractive scent. This means layering scents. Bathe in scented bath oils first. Then apply a light powder in the same scent. Finally spray the same scented perfume in front of you and walk into the mist. Do this about 45 minutes before you see him. If you overpower him with your scent, instead of wanting to edge a bit closer he will be running for the nearest exit.
5) If you bring him back to your place make sure it is dimly lit. Soft lighting minimizes lines and wrinkles and gives your skin a bit of a glow. Keep candles handy or lamps that have adjustable lighting. In soft lighting you can be his dream woman and you can feel a thousand times better about undressing in front of him.
6) Do a strip tease for him. Now I am not talking about a ten dollar hooker strip tease. I mean a slow undressing. Have him lie on the bed to watch, as you slowly slip out of your dress, then your undies and finally your stockings and shoes. Make him wait a bit.
7) Explore his body in detail. Consider it a five course meal. Drive him absolutely wild by discovering all the hidden spots he didn't even know existed. Most women just lie there and let the guy do all the work. Participate and you have just blown past most of the women he has had sex with.
About the author: Caterina is a published writer and dating coach. Learn even more seduction tips now. Go to: http://www.howtoseduceanyman.com
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Experts in the field of addictions are presently purporting that between 3 and 6 percent of the world’s population (193 to 386 million people) are presently affected by a sexual dependency or compulsivity (Carnes, 2005). Sexual dependency is a diagnosable and treatable disease, which today is generally, regarded in about the same way that alcoholism and drug addiction (chemical dependency) was regarded 40 years ago. Even so, there still exists a wide range of understandable misunderstandings about compulsive sexual acting out, created out of ignorance about the nature of sexual addiction, and supported and perpetuated by the multibillion dollar pornography industry.
Sexual Dependency - is a global term that covers a wide range of maladaptive and self-defeating behavior patterns and relationships such as:
1. Love Addiction – a disorder in which individuals repeatedly become involved in enmeshed, intense, codependent relationships, even when those relationships or partners are destructive;
2. Romance Addiction - a disorder in which individuals become obsessed with the intrigue and the pursuit of romance and thrive on the thrill of the chase, but find it impossible to sustain a committed, intimate relationship with another person;
3. Sexual Anorexia – a disorder in which individuals become dominated and obsessed with the emotional, physical, and mental task of avoiding sex; and
4. Sex Addiction – a disorder in which individuals become obsessed with sexually-related, compulsive self-defeating maladaptive behavior.
But can one really be addicted to love as the popular 80’s song proclaims? In a recent research study, (Aron, A. 2005) published in the June issue of the Journal of Neurophysiology, researchers used functional MRI to watch the real-time brain activity of 17 college students (10 women, seven men), all of whom were in the early weeks or months of new love. These researchers concluded that, love may vie for the same real estate in the brain as drug addiction.
So does this mean that all people who are newly in love have an addiction? Are all men who look at pornography addicted? Are all women who read romance novels addicted? Are all people who avoid sex considered sexual anorexics? No, no, no, and no. Then how can we differentiate between addiction and healthy relationships? Like other forms of addictive diseases and lifestyle disorders such as chemical dependency, pathological gambling, eating disorders, and religious addiction -
Sexual dependency is characterized by an addictive cycle of:
1. Obsession or preoccupation;
2. Ritualization;
3. Compulsive behaviors;
4. Loss of control and despair; and
5. Shame and guilt that perpetuates a maladaptive belief system of impaired thinking and unmanageability.
Typically, sexual addictive patterns are considered pathological problems when issues concerning sexual behaviors become the focus of life, causing feelings of shame, guilt, and embarrassment with related symptoms of depression and anxiety that cause significant maladaptive social and/ or occupational impairment in functioning. Addicts don’t use sex for affection or recreation, but for the management of anxiety and/ or emotional pain.
We must consider that some people develop dependencies on certain life-functioning activities such as sex that can be just as life threatening as drug addiction and just as socially and psychologically damaging as alcoholism.
Sexual addiction takes many forms with various levels of severity to include:
1. Controversial behaviors (obsessions with pornography, and sex with strangers to engaging in cyber-sex);
2. Unacceptable behaviors (exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls); and
3. Profound Sex offender behaviors (rape, incest, and child molestation).
Though solitary forms of this addiction may not be overtly risky, they can be part of a pattern of distorted thinking and identity conflict that can escalate to involve harming the self and others. An example of a Sexual Disorder (NOS) or Not Otherwise Specified in the DSM-IV-TR, (2000) includes: distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by an individual only as things to be used. (It should be noted that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders has never used the word “addiction” to describe any of its disorders).
The defining elements of this kind of addiction are its secrecy and escalating nature, often resulting in diminished judgment and self-control.
Brief History of Sex Addiction
In 1976, a suburban hospital administrator asked Dr. Patrick Carnes to start an experimental program for chemically dependent families. The theoretical constructs of the program originated in general systems theory, especially as it applied to families and the 12-steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. One of the many factors which stood out from a family perspective was that the addictive compulsivity had many forms other than alcohol and drug abuse including overeating, gambling, shoplifting, and sexuality. Members of groups like Overeaters Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous had already pioneered in applying the 12-steps to other addictions so the Family Renewal Center extended its programming based on the 12-steps, to sexual addiction.
In 1983, Dr. Patrick Carnes formally introduced the concept of sexual addiction to the world in a text entitled “Out of the Shadows.” Since then the field of sexual addiction and compulsive sexual behavior has developed dramatically. Terms such as addiction, compulsivity, hyper-sexuality, and “Don Juanism,” all have been used to describe what generically could be called "out of control sexual behavior." Regardless of its name, clinicians from all fields agree that a syndrome exists in which individuals have a sense that they have lost control over their sexual behavior.
According to the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), sexual addiction is a persistent and escalating pattern or patterns of sexual behaviors acted out despite increasingly negative consequences to self or others. The fundamental nature of all addiction is the addicts' experience of helplessness and powerlessness over an obsessive-compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The addict may be out of control. They may experience extreme emotional pain and shame. They may repeatedly fail to control their behavior. They may suffer one or more of the following consequences of an unmanageable lifestyle: a deterioration of some or all supportive relationships; difficulties with work, financial troubles; and physical, mental, and/ or emotional exhaustion which sometimes leads to psychiatric problems and hospitalization. Addictions tend to arise from the same backgrounds: families with co-dependency including multiple addictions; lack of effective parenting; and other forms of physical, emotional and sexual trauma in childhood.
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH, 2005) report that the symptoms of sexual compulsivity often accompany other addictive behaviors:
Alcohol and Drug Addiction – Alcohol and drugs alter libido, enhancing it early in drug addiction and inhibiting it later. There is a pattern in cocaine addiction of selling sexual favors for cocaine. As the cost of drug addiction increases, the drug addict usually can't afford the drug from ordinary job income, and must resort to (either/or) stealing, drug dealing or prostitution to support their habit. Alcohol and many drugs cause blackouts or amnesia during the drug using experience, and if sex is coupled with that drug using experience then the details of the sexual experience may not be remembered.
Food Addiction - Sexual anorexia or pathological self-denial of healthy sex is a frequent accompaniment of overeating and anorexia nervosa.
Pathological Gambling - The lifestyle of the gambler often includes hyper-sexuality, where both compulsions feed the false sense of self-esteem of the addict.
Religious Addiction - Compulsive religiosity sometimes accompanies sexual addiction as the sex addict is seeking religion to lessen guilt and shame. The beginnings of compulsive religiosity may signal the onset of a period of sexual anorexia.
Multiple Addictions
Since it is impossible to expect treatment for one addiction to be beneficial when other addictions co-exist, the initial therapeutic intervention for any addiction needs to include an assessment for other addictions. National surveys revealed that a very high correlation exists between sexual addiction and other substance abuse and behavioral addictions. Sexual addicts who have reported experiencing multiple addictions include sexual addiction and:
§ Chemical dependency (42%)
§ Eating disorder (38%)
§ Compulsive working (28%)
§ Compulsive spending (26%)
§ Compulsive gambling (5%)
Poor Prognosis
We have come to realize today more than any other time in history that the treatment of lifestyle diseases and addictions are often a difficult and frustrating task for all concerned. Repeated failures abound with all of the addictions, even with utilizing the most effective treatment strategies. But why do 47% of patients treated in private addiction treatment programs (for example) relapse within the first year following treatment (Gorski, T., 2001)? Have addiction specialists become conditioned to accept failure as the norm? There are many reasons for this poor prognosis. Some would proclaim that addictions are psychosomatically- induced and maintained in a semi-balanced force field of driving and restraining multidimensional forces. Others would say that failures are due simply to a lack of self-motivation or will power. Most would agree that lifestyle behavioral addictions are serious health risks that deserve our attention, but could it possibly be that patients with multiple addictions are being under diagnosed (with a single dependence) simply due to a lack of diagnostic tools and resources that are incapable of resolving the complexity of assessing and treating a patient with multiple addictions?
Diagnostic Delineation
Thus far, the DSM-IV-TR has not delineated a diagnosis for the complexity of multiple behavioral and substance addictions. It has reserved the Poly-substance Dependence diagnosis for a person who is repeatedly using at least three groups of substances during the same 12-month period, but the criteria for this diagnosis do not involve any behavioral addiction symptoms. In the Psychological Factors Affecting Medical Condition’s section (DSM-IV-TR, 2000); maladaptive health behaviors (e.g., unsafe sexual practices, excessive alcohol, drug use, and over eating, etc.) may be listed on Axis I, only if they are significantly affecting the course of treatment of a medical or mental condition.
Since successful treatment outcomes are dependent on thorough assessments, accurate diagnoses, and comprehensive individualized treatment planning, it is no wonder that repeated rehabilitation failures and low success rates are the norm instead of the exception in the addictions field, when the latest DSM-IV-TR does not even include a diagnosis for multiple addictive behavioral disorders. Treatment clinics need to have a treatment planning system and referral network that is equipped to thoroughly assess multiple addictive and mental health disorders and related treatment needs and comprehensively provide education/ awareness, prevention strategy groups, and/ or specific addictions treatment services for individuals diagnosed with multiple addictions. Written treatment goals and objectives should be specified for each separate addiction and dimension of an individuals’ life, and the desired performance outcome or completion criteria should be specifically stated, behaviorally based (a visible activity), and measurable.
New Proposed Diagnosis
To assist in resolving the limited DSM-IV-TRs’ diagnostic capability, a multidimensional diagnosis of “Poly-behavioral Addiction,” is proposed for more accurate diagnosis leading to more effective treatment planning. This diagnosis encompasses the broadest category of addictive disorders that would include an individual manifesting a combination of substance abuse addictions, and other obsessively-compulsive behavioral addictive behavioral patterns to pathological gambling, religion, and/ or sex / pornography, etc.).
Conclusion
Considering the wide range of sexual behaviors in our world today, one should always take into account an individual’s ethnic, cultural, religious, and social background prior to making any clinical judgments, and it would be wise to not over-pathologize in this area of Sexual Dependency. However, since successful treatment outcomes are dependent on thorough assessments, accurate diagnoses, and comprehensive individualized treatment planning - poly-behavioral addiction needs to be identified to effectively treat the complexity of multiple behavioral and substance addictions.
Since chronic lifestyle diseases and disorders such as diabetes, hypertension, alcoholism, drug and behavioral addictions cannot be cured, but only managed - how should we effectively manage poly-behavioral addiction?
The Addiction Recovery Measurement System (ARMS) is proposed utilizing a multidimensional integrative assessment, treatment planning, treatment progress, and treatment outcome measurement tracking system that facilitates rapid and accurate recognition and evaluation of an individual’s comprehensive life-functioning progress dimensions. The ARMS hypothesis purports that there is a multidimensional synergistically negative resistance that individual’s develop to any one form of treatment to a single dimension of their lives, because the effects of an individual’s addiction have dynamically interacted multi-dimensionally. Having the primary focus on one dimension is insufficient.
James Slobodzien, Psy.D., CSAC, is a Hawaii licensed psychologist and certified substance abuse counselor who earned his doctorate in Clinical Psychology. The National Registry of Health Service Providers in Psychology credentials Dr. Slobodzien. He has over 20-years of mental health experience primarily working in the fields of alcohol/ substance abuse and behavioral addictions in medical, correctional, and judicial settings. He is an adjunct professor of Psychology and also maintains a private practice as a mental health consultant.
1) Dress in a way that makes you feel sexy and also flatters your figure. Let's face it some of us look ridiculous in stilettos. Red is almost always a good color. Try a red slinky dress and comfortable undergarments. Those torture devices they sell to suck in our guts look great under the dress but are not sexy at all when you are trying to yank them off for a wild night of pleasure.
2) Pay attention to what he has to say for a change. Yes you can talk about yourself but a man finds it really refreshing when a woman allows him to have his own time in the spotlight.
3) Don't talk about your ex. If he asks, keep it short and sweet. You are starting fresh with this guy. No need to bring in the ghost of past relationships. You are perfect to him in the beginning. There is no reason to make him wonder if the last guy who dumped you was right.
4) Wear a light attractive scent. This means layering scents. Bathe in scented bath oils first. Then apply a light powder in the same scent. Finally spray the same scented perfume in front of you and walk into the mist. Do this about 45 minutes before you see him. If you overpower him with your scent, instead of wanting to edge a bit closer he will be running for the nearest exit.
5) If you bring him back to your place make sure it is dimly lit. Soft lighting minimizes lines and wrinkles and gives your skin a bit of a glow. Keep candles handy or lamps that have adjustable lighting. In soft lighting you can be his dream woman and you can feel a thousand times better about undressing in front of him.
6) Do a strip tease for him. Now I am not talking about a ten dollar hooker strip tease. I mean a slow undressing. Have him lie on the bed to watch, as you slowly slip out of your dress, then your undies and finally your stockings and shoes. Make him wait a bit.
7) Explore his body in detail. Consider it a five course meal. Drive him absolutely wild by discovering all the hidden spots he didn't even know existed. Most women just lie there and let the guy do all the work. Participate and you have just blown past most of the women he has had sex with.
About the author: Caterina is a published writer and dating coach. Learn even more seduction tips now. Go to: http://www.howtoseduceanyman.com
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G Spot and Several Tips on Foreplay
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Read more...Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Better Orgasm ~ Mouth Action For Him
by: E. J. Davis
It’s an obvious misnomer to believe that all men think about every day or all the time is sex. The fact is a man’s mind is usually filled with the daily issues of finances, politics, sports especially if their favorite team is losing—and sex.
Women, this is a prime opportunity to get and hold his attention—literally. Giving a guy a hand job is good. Giving him a better orgasm with a little mouth action is even better.
So here are a few techniques to blow…his mind and take him to the peak of ecstasy with an even better orgasm.
As women we are definitely masters at creating a romantic atmosphere. So here are some more ideas on getting the timing right and setting the mood using a few good skills and techniques that will drive your man to a better orgasm. So get ready, be open-minded and add your own creative touches as you surprise him with a better orgasm.
Start by providing scent-ual stimulations. Place his favorite scent between your breast and any other place he likes to nibble. Next, wear sheer lingerie. There’s something about sheer lingerie that stimulates the imagination—send his mind into overdrive.
Undress him and bring him to the edge of a better orgasm by giving him a sensual massage. Use edible oils to lick your way over his body. By the time you’re done, he’ll be begging for you to ride him. But, remember this is his time to have a mind blowing orgasm. Resist the urge to climb on for a wild ride. Now, choose a unique location such as a sturdy chair, have your sensory stimulating toys and edible oils nearby.
Ladies its time to enjoy your treat! Imagine eating an ice cream cone—the licking, sucking and satisfying sounds that you make. Take his erection in hand and lick your way up from the base of penis to the crown. Pay special attention to the crown since the nerve ending are very sensitive to stimulation.
Run your tongue up and down the length of his penis. You can also add a flavored lubricant for added wetness. Take his penis into your mouth with a swallowing motion and pump it back and forth to create rhythmic suction with your mouth.
Turn the heat up for an even better orgasm, add variation by using the tip of your tongue and firmly stroke his penis working your way down to his testicles. Stroke his penis while adding the stimulation of licking his testicles.
Be inventive, run circles around the head of his penis. Alternate your stoking technique. Remember it’s important to vary your sucking and stroking. His hip movements will let you know that he’s enjoying it.
So, what are you going to do when he starts to climax? It’s extremely important to decide this beforehand that way you’re prepared. If you choose to swallow, then keep sucking with gusto showing him that its’ still all about helping him achieve a better orgasm. If you choose not to swallow an alternative is to use an open-mouth technique that allows you to suck as he ejaculates, opening your mouth will allow his load to run down his penis—actually acting as a lubricant.
Ladies, now is the time to let him see what he’s been missing…a better orgasm that will take him to the pinnacles of sexual pleasure. A better orgasm is not just about sex, it’s about unleashing primal desires, wild fantasies…turning him on. Now that you’ve learned a terrific technique for giving him a little mouth action practice it—he will definitely be a willing participant.
About the author:
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"Well, if you doesn't like you for not having sex with him, what does this tell you about him?"
"I guess it tells me that he is not good husband material."
"Right! So you have nothing to lose by not having sex right away."
"Okay, I see that now. I see that what I've been doing is never going to lead to marriage. I'm going to put sex on the back burner and pay more attention to caring and intimacy."
Megan completely changed her pattern with men and within a year she was engaged to be married.
About The Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.
We know there are magical signs once we meet our soulmates face to face. Expect it to be not ordinary. Imagine a fairy-tale coming alive. Most certainly, there would be sparks flying, butterflies in the stomach, stuttered sentences, ease of communication, physical attractions, love-at-first-sights, answered prayers, love remembered from dreams; in other words, a soulmate connection.
At first, the connection may be quite dream-like and a little too overwhelming until it turns into a vague familiarity. It may also be intense there may be no words to describe it perfectly. Details of soulmate connections can every so often overpower love itself. It’s spirit-lifting. It’s addictive. It’s without doubt a “connection” between two hearts. It’s beyond anything you have experienced.
Meeting your soulmate at this time and age is a rare gift, one who’s interested needs to plumb the depths of all possibilities, if not, just wait for it to happen. But for some, waiting can be as dreadful as searching without finding the “right one”. So might as well go for it and enjoy every second of your “finding your soulmate expedition”. At least, you will not tell yourself you did not try.
Romance novels and studies on “finding your soulmate” have it all- the unbelievable peaks and lows people go through just to meet their soulmates. And their stories have all one thing to say- once they have met their soulmates, it was as if they have known and loved each other before. And they can’t wait to spend their lives with each other forever.
With all these far-fetched concepts about soulmate connection, who then do you think wouldn’t do anything for love? If it’s that heavenly perfect, anyone will surely risk anything just to experience it. How about you? How far would you go for love?
It’s every girl’s dream for sure – to meet her soulmate and experience a soulmate connection. Because if the feeling is euphoric, why not? If meeting your soulmate is all you think of and soulmate connection has captured your creative imagination and loving heart, it becomes hard-wired into your brain. It’s all you’re going to think of and focus on.
The best thing about finding your soulmate is that you will love with a pure heart and with the cleanest intention to give your all to that one special person.
Robert Johannsen MA is a psychology and freelance author living in British Columbia. Robert's articles on Psychology, Relationships and Popular Culture have been published in numerous magazines in Canada, the US and the UK. His popular Ebook, Proven Secrets for Attracting your Soulmate has helped people from all walks of life find that special someone since 2000.
Visit his recently updated website,
http://www.soulmate-secrets.com for a free chapter of his powerful book.
Women, this is a prime opportunity to get and hold his attention—literally. Giving a guy a hand job is good. Giving him a better orgasm with a little mouth action is even better.
So here are a few techniques to blow…his mind and take him to the peak of ecstasy with an even better orgasm.
As women we are definitely masters at creating a romantic atmosphere. So here are some more ideas on getting the timing right and setting the mood using a few good skills and techniques that will drive your man to a better orgasm. So get ready, be open-minded and add your own creative touches as you surprise him with a better orgasm.
Start by providing scent-ual stimulations. Place his favorite scent between your breast and any other place he likes to nibble. Next, wear sheer lingerie. There’s something about sheer lingerie that stimulates the imagination—send his mind into overdrive.
Undress him and bring him to the edge of a better orgasm by giving him a sensual massage. Use edible oils to lick your way over his body. By the time you’re done, he’ll be begging for you to ride him. But, remember this is his time to have a mind blowing orgasm. Resist the urge to climb on for a wild ride. Now, choose a unique location such as a sturdy chair, have your sensory stimulating toys and edible oils nearby.
Ladies its time to enjoy your treat! Imagine eating an ice cream cone—the licking, sucking and satisfying sounds that you make. Take his erection in hand and lick your way up from the base of penis to the crown. Pay special attention to the crown since the nerve ending are very sensitive to stimulation.
Run your tongue up and down the length of his penis. You can also add a flavored lubricant for added wetness. Take his penis into your mouth with a swallowing motion and pump it back and forth to create rhythmic suction with your mouth.
Turn the heat up for an even better orgasm, add variation by using the tip of your tongue and firmly stroke his penis working your way down to his testicles. Stroke his penis while adding the stimulation of licking his testicles.
Be inventive, run circles around the head of his penis. Alternate your stoking technique. Remember it’s important to vary your sucking and stroking. His hip movements will let you know that he’s enjoying it.
So, what are you going to do when he starts to climax? It’s extremely important to decide this beforehand that way you’re prepared. If you choose to swallow, then keep sucking with gusto showing him that its’ still all about helping him achieve a better orgasm. If you choose not to swallow an alternative is to use an open-mouth technique that allows you to suck as he ejaculates, opening your mouth will allow his load to run down his penis—actually acting as a lubricant.
Ladies, now is the time to let him see what he’s been missing…a better orgasm that will take him to the pinnacles of sexual pleasure. A better orgasm is not just about sex, it’s about unleashing primal desires, wild fantasies…turning him on. Now that you’ve learned a terrific technique for giving him a little mouth action practice it—he will definitely be a willing participant.
About the author:
E.J. Davis is a writer who firmly believes that the ultimate pleasure begins with a simple caress. She currently writes for a1-online-dating.com Get more sizzling tips at: http://www.a1-online-dating.com
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Monday, April 14, 2008
Surprise Your Love
by: Rick Valens
Has dating unknowingly become just a habit to you? Becoming not as fun and exciting as before, as when the both of you just started going out together? Well, I am not suggesting that there is any problem in your relationship. In fact this is something very common. Along time, as a couple get to know and understand each other better, they naturally enter into a comfort zone with one another.
It is within this comfort zone that they begin to share with one another more of their own personal life, building a mutual trust and a stronger bond in the relationship. However, it is also at this time when all the surprises and excitements somehow get lesser and lesser during their dates. Both have got so comfortable with one another that there is basically not the need for them to impress one another as during their initial dates anymore. Sadly, dating has become more of like a routine and habit to them.
To most guys routine dates are actually ok but again, things might not usually be the case for the girls. Hmm… maybe before I go on, just a piece of advice for the guys. Well guys, though the girls might not be complaining but believe me, deep down inside them they are still longing for that surprises. Let us not disappoint them, shall we? And well girls, please do understand that guys are afterall still guys. They are just naturally less insensitive creature, just not that good in expressing themselves. But that doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you? Well nevertheless, I believe everyone love surprises and excitement.
Life would be so boring without them, don’t you agree? There would be nothing to look forward to. The same goes for love. Recall all those sweet moments you had when the both of you just started dating. Wasn’t love or perhaps life so fun and exciting then; always looking forward to the next date, wondering what surprises would be there for you? Using a little imagination; planning little surprises for your love would definitely spice up your love life, going a long way in maintaining the flames of love.
I am sure you want an interesting love life, always making your love happy? Remember, when your love is happy, happy you will be. Hmm… Perhaps a monthly anniversary celebration for a start? A day in each month which both could look forward to an exciting and romantic night together? Oh isn’t that lovely? Think about it.
Rick Valens Staff Writer for http://www.loveletterbox.com/, Love Relationship Discussion ForumCurrently also freelance writer for http://www.ecemetery.org/, Monument of Eternal Memory
Read more...Sunday, April 13, 2008
Sensations Of A Kiss
by: Marc Lindsay
Despite the relative tastelessness of kisses, they are usually referred to as sweet. Tasting of wine, strawberries and honey are some of the most common descriptions of lover’s kisses, although some poets are more creative. For example, The Song of Songs says, "Thy lips drip as the honeycomb, my spouse:
Honey and milk are under thy tongue."
The feeling of a kiss is also described in a multitude of ways, The pounding of the heart, quivering of the limbs, pain in the chest and quickening of the breath are some examples of this. The Persian poet Ha-fez, writes that he fears he will “char her delicate lips” when he writes of kissing his beloved.
The Spirit Within a Kiss
"At what else does that touching of lips aim but at a junction of souls?"
Favorinus of Arles
The Babylonian goddess of love, Ishtar, was said to hold life in her mouth, offering spiritual delight to those who worshipped her. “That rarest gift, the honeyed kiss of love/ On earth, is sweeter bliss than gods enjoy,” she tells one of her followers.
Another example of the use of kisses as an exchange of life force or spirit is in the Egyptian legend of Osiris and Isis. When Osiris’ jealous brother, Set, threw him into the Nile, his wife Isis searched for his body in the river and breathed life into him through a kiss.
The Renaissance saw a rapid rise in the view of kissing as an exchange of souls, and as an offering of the self to the other person. Allusions to kissing in poetry included an eternal kiss, a swoon that carried the couple almost to death, and most importantly, the diffusion of one soul into the body of the other.
Perhaps one of the most potent notions of kissing revolves around the belief in its life force and vitality. The Romans particularly believed that kissing a dying lover would keep the spirit in the body longer. Ovid, particularly, mourns that his wife will not be able to extend his life with her love because of his exile. Kisses could even follow the dead into the Underworld as a comfort to the shades of the dead.
About The Author: If you are looking for romantic getaways or romantic ideas then http://www.intelligentromance.com/ will make being romantic easy
Sexual Attraction - Addiction or Intimacy?
by: Margaret Paul
Megan asked the following questions in one of our phone sessions: "Over and over, when I'm really attracted to a man and I sleep with him fairly early in the relationship, I discover that he is not good husband material. What am I doing wrong? Am I just attracted to the wrong kind of men?"
This is a frequent question from my single women clients.
"Megan, many men know how to project sexual energy in a way that arouses women. These men define their worth by their sexuality and by their ability to attract woman. They know just how to sexually ignite a woman - it's an energy that they are putting out that goes right into your genitals and makes you think that something real and important is happening. But they are operating from a sexual addiction rather than from caring or intimacy."
"So what should I be doing when I feel that powerful sexual attraction?"
"You need to be telling yourself that this feeling doesn't mean anything – that it's just an energy that is being projected onto you but has nothing to do with love, intimacy, caring, or marriage. Real, long-lasting relationships take time to evolve. If you feel sexual upon first meeting someone, there is a good possibility that this man just wants a sexual encounter with you rather than a real relationship with you. My suggestion to you is to not have sex early in a relationship, even if you are very attracted."
"Well, when do you have sex?"
"When you feel emotionally intimate. When you trust each other and really care about each other's wellbeing. When you know that the feelings are not just sexual, and that the sexuality is coming from the emotional intimacy rather than from a sexual addiction. Why not wait until there is a commitment to the relationship and to learning and growing with each other? How often have you slept with a man that you were really attracted to and then had the relationship
not work out?"
"More often than I'm willing to admit. This is what keeps happening. So are you saying that I should also go out with men that I'm not immediately attracted to?"
"Yes, if you like them. Often, sexual attraction grows as you really get to know a person. Many of my clients with the best relationships are people who were not immediately attracted to each other. The attraction grew as they fell in love with each other. Others, who were attracted imediately, lost their attraction as they got to know the person.
"Many men can have sex and then just move on without any inner turmoil. Yet many women feel connected to a man when they have sex with him and then feel awful when the relationship doesn't work out. It is unloving to yourself to sleep with a man early in the relationship and then run the risk of being dumped because all he wanted was sex.
"Another factor is that sex without emotional intimacy is often disappointing for both people. When you have sex too early in a relationship, it might not be emotionally or physically satisfying. When sex is not an expression of love, it often feels empty, and then the guy might decide that you are not the right person for him because there were no fireworks. Yet if you had waited for love to develop, it might have been wonderful. You really have nothing to lose by waiting."
"But," replied Megan, "I always think that a man won't like me if I don't have sex with him."
Megan asked the following questions in one of our phone sessions: "Over and over, when I'm really attracted to a man and I sleep with him fairly early in the relationship, I discover that he is not good husband material. What am I doing wrong? Am I just attracted to the wrong kind of men?"
This is a frequent question from my single women clients.
"Megan, many men know how to project sexual energy in a way that arouses women. These men define their worth by their sexuality and by their ability to attract woman. They know just how to sexually ignite a woman - it's an energy that they are putting out that goes right into your genitals and makes you think that something real and important is happening. But they are operating from a sexual addiction rather than from caring or intimacy."
"So what should I be doing when I feel that powerful sexual attraction?"
"You need to be telling yourself that this feeling doesn't mean anything – that it's just an energy that is being projected onto you but has nothing to do with love, intimacy, caring, or marriage. Real, long-lasting relationships take time to evolve. If you feel sexual upon first meeting someone, there is a good possibility that this man just wants a sexual encounter with you rather than a real relationship with you. My suggestion to you is to not have sex early in a relationship, even if you are very attracted."
"Well, when do you have sex?"
"When you feel emotionally intimate. When you trust each other and really care about each other's wellbeing. When you know that the feelings are not just sexual, and that the sexuality is coming from the emotional intimacy rather than from a sexual addiction. Why not wait until there is a commitment to the relationship and to learning and growing with each other? How often have you slept with a man that you were really attracted to and then had the relationship
not work out?"
"More often than I'm willing to admit. This is what keeps happening. So are you saying that I should also go out with men that I'm not immediately attracted to?"
"Yes, if you like them. Often, sexual attraction grows as you really get to know a person. Many of my clients with the best relationships are people who were not immediately attracted to each other. The attraction grew as they fell in love with each other. Others, who were attracted imediately, lost their attraction as they got to know the person.
"Many men can have sex and then just move on without any inner turmoil. Yet many women feel connected to a man when they have sex with him and then feel awful when the relationship doesn't work out. It is unloving to yourself to sleep with a man early in the relationship and then run the risk of being dumped because all he wanted was sex.
"Another factor is that sex without emotional intimacy is often disappointing for both people. When you have sex too early in a relationship, it might not be emotionally or physically satisfying. When sex is not an expression of love, it often feels empty, and then the guy might decide that you are not the right person for him because there were no fireworks. Yet if you had waited for love to develop, it might have been wonderful. You really have nothing to lose by waiting."
"But," replied Megan, "I always think that a man won't like me if I don't have sex with him."
"Well, if you doesn't like you for not having sex with him, what does this tell you about him?"
"I guess it tells me that he is not good husband material."
"Right! So you have nothing to lose by not having sex right away."
"Okay, I see that now. I see that what I've been doing is never going to lead to marriage. I'm going to put sex on the back burner and pay more attention to caring and intimacy."
Megan completely changed her pattern with men and within a year she was engaged to be married.
About The Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.
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The Natural Roots of Sexuality
by: Sam Vaknin
Recent studies in animal sexuality serve to dispel two common myths: that sex is exclusively about reproduction and that homosexuality is an unnatural sexual preference. It now appears that sex is also about recreation as it frequently occurs out of the mating season. And same-sex copulation and bonding are common in hundreds of species, from bonobo apes to gulls.
Moreover, homosexual couples in the Animal Kingdom are prone to behaviors commonly - and erroneously - attributed only to heterosexuals. The New York Times reported in its February 7, 2004 issue about a couple of gay penguins who are desperately and recurrently seeking to incubate eggs together.
In the same article ("Love that Dare not Squeak its Name"), Bruce Bagemihl, author of the groundbreaking "Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity", defines homosexuality as "any of these behaviors between members of the same sex: long- term bonding, sexual contact, courtship displays or the rearing of young."
Still, that a certain behavior occurs in nature (is "natural") does not render it moral. Infanticide, patricide, suicide, gender bias, and substance abuse - are all to be found in various animal species. It is futile to argue for homosexuality or against it based on zoological observations. Ethics is about surpassing nature - not about emulating it.
The more perplexing question remains: what are the evolutionary and biological advantages of recreational sex and homosexuality? Surely, both entail the waste of scarce resources.
Convoluted explanations, such as the one proffered by Marlene Zuk (homosexuals contribute to the gene pool by nurturing and raising young relatives) defy common sense, experience, and the calculus of evolution. There are no field studies that show conclusively or even indicate that homosexuals tend to raise and nurture their younger relatives more that straights do.
Moreover, the arithmetic of genetics would rule out such a stratagem. If the aim of life is to pass on one's genes from one generation to the next, the homosexual would have been far better off raising his own children (who carry forward half his DNA) - rather than his nephew or niece (with whom he shares merely one quarter of his genetic material.) What is more, though genetically-predisposed, homosexuality may be partly acquired, the outcome of environment and nurture, rather than nature.
An oft-overlooked fact is that recreational sex and homosexuality have one thing in common: they do not lead to reproduction. Homosexuality may, therefore, be a form of pleasurable sexual play. It may also enhance same-sex bonding and train the young to form cohesive, purposeful groups (the army and the boarding school come to mind).
Furthermore, homosexuality amounts to the culling of 10-15% of the gene pool in each generation. The genetic material of the homosexual is not propagated and is effectively excluded from the big roulette of life. Growers - of anything from cereals to cattle - similarly use random culling to improve their stock. As mathematical models show, such repeated mass removal of DNA from the common brew seems to optimize the species and increase its resilience and efficiency.
It is ironic to realize that homosexuality and other forms of non- reproductive, pleasure-seeking sex may be key evolutionary mechanisms and integral drivers of population dynamics.
Reproduction is but one goal among many, equally important, end results. Heterosexuality is but one strategy among a few optimal solutions. Studying biology may yet lead to greater tolerance for the vast repertory of human sexual foibles, preferences, and predilections. Back to nature, in this case, may be forward to civilization.
Suggested Literature
Bagemihl, Bruce - "Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity" - St. Martin's Press, 1999
De-Waal, Frans and Lanting, Frans - "Bonobo: The Forgotten Ape" - University of California Press, 1997
De Waal, Frans - "Bonobo Sex and Society" - March 1995 issue of Scientific American, pp. 82-88
Trivers, Robert - Natural Selection and Social Theory: Selected
Papers - Oxford University Press, 2002
Zuk, Marlene - "Sexual Selections: What We Can and Can't Learn About
Sex From Animals" - University of California Press, 2002
AUTHOR BIO Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com/ ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health Suite101. Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.
Recent studies in animal sexuality serve to dispel two common myths: that sex is exclusively about reproduction and that homosexuality is an unnatural sexual preference. It now appears that sex is also about recreation as it frequently occurs out of the mating season. And same-sex copulation and bonding are common in hundreds of species, from bonobo apes to gulls.
Moreover, homosexual couples in the Animal Kingdom are prone to behaviors commonly - and erroneously - attributed only to heterosexuals. The New York Times reported in its February 7, 2004 issue about a couple of gay penguins who are desperately and recurrently seeking to incubate eggs together.
In the same article ("Love that Dare not Squeak its Name"), Bruce Bagemihl, author of the groundbreaking "Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity", defines homosexuality as "any of these behaviors between members of the same sex: long- term bonding, sexual contact, courtship displays or the rearing of young."
Still, that a certain behavior occurs in nature (is "natural") does not render it moral. Infanticide, patricide, suicide, gender bias, and substance abuse - are all to be found in various animal species. It is futile to argue for homosexuality or against it based on zoological observations. Ethics is about surpassing nature - not about emulating it.
The more perplexing question remains: what are the evolutionary and biological advantages of recreational sex and homosexuality? Surely, both entail the waste of scarce resources.
Convoluted explanations, such as the one proffered by Marlene Zuk (homosexuals contribute to the gene pool by nurturing and raising young relatives) defy common sense, experience, and the calculus of evolution. There are no field studies that show conclusively or even indicate that homosexuals tend to raise and nurture their younger relatives more that straights do.
Moreover, the arithmetic of genetics would rule out such a stratagem. If the aim of life is to pass on one's genes from one generation to the next, the homosexual would have been far better off raising his own children (who carry forward half his DNA) - rather than his nephew or niece (with whom he shares merely one quarter of his genetic material.) What is more, though genetically-predisposed, homosexuality may be partly acquired, the outcome of environment and nurture, rather than nature.
An oft-overlooked fact is that recreational sex and homosexuality have one thing in common: they do not lead to reproduction. Homosexuality may, therefore, be a form of pleasurable sexual play. It may also enhance same-sex bonding and train the young to form cohesive, purposeful groups (the army and the boarding school come to mind).
Furthermore, homosexuality amounts to the culling of 10-15% of the gene pool in each generation. The genetic material of the homosexual is not propagated and is effectively excluded from the big roulette of life. Growers - of anything from cereals to cattle - similarly use random culling to improve their stock. As mathematical models show, such repeated mass removal of DNA from the common brew seems to optimize the species and increase its resilience and efficiency.
It is ironic to realize that homosexuality and other forms of non- reproductive, pleasure-seeking sex may be key evolutionary mechanisms and integral drivers of population dynamics.
Reproduction is but one goal among many, equally important, end results. Heterosexuality is but one strategy among a few optimal solutions. Studying biology may yet lead to greater tolerance for the vast repertory of human sexual foibles, preferences, and predilections. Back to nature, in this case, may be forward to civilization.
Suggested Literature
Bagemihl, Bruce - "Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity" - St. Martin's Press, 1999
De-Waal, Frans and Lanting, Frans - "Bonobo: The Forgotten Ape" - University of California Press, 1997
De Waal, Frans - "Bonobo Sex and Society" - March 1995 issue of Scientific American, pp. 82-88
Trivers, Robert - Natural Selection and Social Theory: Selected
Papers - Oxford University Press, 2002
Zuk, Marlene - "Sexual Selections: What We Can and Can't Learn About
Sex From Animals" - University of California Press, 2002
AUTHOR BIO Sam Vaknin ( http://samvak.tripod.com/ ) is the author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East. He served as a columnist for Central Europe Review, PopMatters, Bellaonline, and eBookWeb, a United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent, and the editor of mental health Suite101. Until recently, he served as the Economic Advisor to the Government of Macedonia.
Read more...
What is the Best Position for Making Love?
by: Caterina Christakos
Ever wondered which is the most sexual and feminine sexual position?
Well, the award undoubtedly goes to the missionary position! Yes, that old andboring man on top that can bring more satisfaction than you could imagine. No acrobatic positions, no pain and struggle, just complete focus on the pleasure sex should bring to both the partners.
This position is both feminine and erotic.
It offers the perfect environment for a woman to feel loved,taken care of and close to you at the same time. The missionary position is also the most comforting to finish for the woman and, with a little communication, for the man as well.If you're still not convinced maybe you should fine-tune it alittle bit.
A couple of hard pillows under her hips and the difference will make her moan with pleasure.
You can gently spread her legs or just suggest her she should wrap them around your waist.
Put one or both over your shoulders and you'll get the effect of a turbo engine.
With some training and patience this position will soon becomenumber one. And all of this because it is perhaps the most adaptable one. Everybody canfeel great while making love in the missionary position.
Many women find it easier to have an orgasm in this position because they are more relaxed and don't have to think about their performance as in other positions. All they have to do is close their eyes, sit back and relax while the orgasm slowly surrounds them.
This position can give the woman plenty of clitoral stimulation if the man leans forward thus rubbing his pelvic bone against her clitoris. It also allows the manual stimulation of her clitoris. The missionary position is just great for those who love intimacy during sex as they can remain face to face while making love and enjoy each other as they reach orgasm to the full. The man can kiss and caress the woman, touch her breasts and abdomen while she can touch and rub his head, shoulders, back, and butt.
If at any time during sex in the missionary position you need tomake a little change, you can always roll around and shift into a different one without too much trouble. All of this adds variety to a position many consider to dull to bring pleasure.
All in all, the missionary position feels so natural and erotic that it could never become obsolete.
Want to learn even more awesome positions to drive both her and you wild?
About The Author: Caterina Christakos is a published author and dating coach. Learn how to seduce women now. Go to: http://www.what-women-want.com/
Read more...
Ever wondered which is the most sexual and feminine sexual position?
Well, the award undoubtedly goes to the missionary position! Yes, that old andboring man on top that can bring more satisfaction than you could imagine. No acrobatic positions, no pain and struggle, just complete focus on the pleasure sex should bring to both the partners.
This position is both feminine and erotic.
It offers the perfect environment for a woman to feel loved,taken care of and close to you at the same time. The missionary position is also the most comforting to finish for the woman and, with a little communication, for the man as well.If you're still not convinced maybe you should fine-tune it alittle bit.
A couple of hard pillows under her hips and the difference will make her moan with pleasure.
You can gently spread her legs or just suggest her she should wrap them around your waist.
Put one or both over your shoulders and you'll get the effect of a turbo engine.
With some training and patience this position will soon becomenumber one. And all of this because it is perhaps the most adaptable one. Everybody canfeel great while making love in the missionary position.
Many women find it easier to have an orgasm in this position because they are more relaxed and don't have to think about their performance as in other positions. All they have to do is close their eyes, sit back and relax while the orgasm slowly surrounds them.
This position can give the woman plenty of clitoral stimulation if the man leans forward thus rubbing his pelvic bone against her clitoris. It also allows the manual stimulation of her clitoris. The missionary position is just great for those who love intimacy during sex as they can remain face to face while making love and enjoy each other as they reach orgasm to the full. The man can kiss and caress the woman, touch her breasts and abdomen while she can touch and rub his head, shoulders, back, and butt.
If at any time during sex in the missionary position you need tomake a little change, you can always roll around and shift into a different one without too much trouble. All of this adds variety to a position many consider to dull to bring pleasure.
All in all, the missionary position feels so natural and erotic that it could never become obsolete.
Want to learn even more awesome positions to drive both her and you wild?
About The Author: Caterina Christakos is a published author and dating coach. Learn how to seduce women now. Go to: http://www.what-women-want.com/
At first, the connection may be quite dream-like and a little too overwhelming until it turns into a vague familiarity. It may also be intense there may be no words to describe it perfectly. Details of soulmate connections can every so often overpower love itself. It’s spirit-lifting. It’s addictive. It’s without doubt a “connection” between two hearts. It’s beyond anything you have experienced.
Meeting your soulmate at this time and age is a rare gift, one who’s interested needs to plumb the depths of all possibilities, if not, just wait for it to happen. But for some, waiting can be as dreadful as searching without finding the “right one”. So might as well go for it and enjoy every second of your “finding your soulmate expedition”. At least, you will not tell yourself you did not try.
Romance novels and studies on “finding your soulmate” have it all- the unbelievable peaks and lows people go through just to meet their soulmates. And their stories have all one thing to say- once they have met their soulmates, it was as if they have known and loved each other before. And they can’t wait to spend their lives with each other forever.
With all these far-fetched concepts about soulmate connection, who then do you think wouldn’t do anything for love? If it’s that heavenly perfect, anyone will surely risk anything just to experience it. How about you? How far would you go for love?
It’s every girl’s dream for sure – to meet her soulmate and experience a soulmate connection. Because if the feeling is euphoric, why not? If meeting your soulmate is all you think of and soulmate connection has captured your creative imagination and loving heart, it becomes hard-wired into your brain. It’s all you’re going to think of and focus on.
The best thing about finding your soulmate is that you will love with a pure heart and with the cleanest intention to give your all to that one special person.
Robert Johannsen MA is a psychology and freelance author living in British Columbia. Robert's articles on Psychology, Relationships and Popular Culture have been published in numerous magazines in Canada, the US and the UK. His popular Ebook, Proven Secrets for Attracting your Soulmate has helped people from all walks of life find that special someone since 2000.
Visit his recently updated website,
http://www.soulmate-secrets.com for a free chapter of his powerful book.
Sex, Love and Poly-Behavioral Addiction
by: James Slobodzien
Experts in the field of addictions are presently purporting that between 3 and 6 percent of the world’s population (193 to 386 million people) are presently affected by a sexual dependency or compulsivity (Carnes, 2005). Sexual dependency is a diagnosable and treatable disease, which today is generally, regarded in about the same way that alcoholism and drug addiction (chemical dependency) was regarded 40 years ago. Even so, there still exists a wide range of understandable misunderstandings about compulsive sexual acting out, created out of ignorance about the nature of sexual addiction, and supported and perpetuated by the multibillion dollar pornography industry.
Sexual Dependency - is a global term that covers a wide range of maladaptive and self-defeating behavior patterns and relationships such as:
1. Love Addiction – a disorder in which individuals repeatedly become involved in enmeshed, intense, codependent relationships, even when those relationships or partners are destructive;
2. Romance Addiction - a disorder in which individuals become obsessed with the intrigue and the pursuit of romance and thrive on the thrill of the chase, but find it impossible to sustain a committed, intimate relationship with another person;
3. Sexual Anorexia – a disorder in which individuals become dominated and obsessed with the emotional, physical, and mental task of avoiding sex; and
4. Sex Addiction – a disorder in which individuals become obsessed with sexually-related, compulsive self-defeating maladaptive behavior.
But can one really be addicted to love as the popular 80’s song proclaims? In a recent research study, (Aron, A. 2005) published in the June issue of the Journal of Neurophysiology, researchers used functional MRI to watch the real-time brain activity of 17 college students (10 women, seven men), all of whom were in the early weeks or months of new love. These researchers concluded that, love may vie for the same real estate in the brain as drug addiction.
“Early love, rooted as it is in the caudate nucleus, is all about addiction.” "It is a drug addiction." "It's certainly got some of the main characteristics of drug addiction -- as with drugs, once you fall in love you need that person more and more, so much so that, after a while, you have to marry them. There are other things, too -- real dependence, personality changes, withdrawal symptoms." “And just like the need for cocaine or heroin, love can make people do crazy, sometimes dangerous things.” According to Aron (2005), the findings help explain instances where people fall in love with people they aren’t even sexually attracted to; or why others can feel equally strong, sudden emotion for a newborn child or even God.
So does this mean that all people who are newly in love have an addiction? Are all men who look at pornography addicted? Are all women who read romance novels addicted? Are all people who avoid sex considered sexual anorexics? No, no, no, and no. Then how can we differentiate between addiction and healthy relationships? Like other forms of addictive diseases and lifestyle disorders such as chemical dependency, pathological gambling, eating disorders, and religious addiction -
Sexual dependency is characterized by an addictive cycle of:
1. Obsession or preoccupation;
2. Ritualization;
3. Compulsive behaviors;
4. Loss of control and despair; and
5. Shame and guilt that perpetuates a maladaptive belief system of impaired thinking and unmanageability.
Typically, sexual addictive patterns are considered pathological problems when issues concerning sexual behaviors become the focus of life, causing feelings of shame, guilt, and embarrassment with related symptoms of depression and anxiety that cause significant maladaptive social and/ or occupational impairment in functioning. Addicts don’t use sex for affection or recreation, but for the management of anxiety and/ or emotional pain.
We must consider that some people develop dependencies on certain life-functioning activities such as sex that can be just as life threatening as drug addiction and just as socially and psychologically damaging as alcoholism.
Sexual addiction takes many forms with various levels of severity to include:
1. Controversial behaviors (obsessions with pornography, and sex with strangers to engaging in cyber-sex);
2. Unacceptable behaviors (exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls); and
3. Profound Sex offender behaviors (rape, incest, and child molestation).
Though solitary forms of this addiction may not be overtly risky, they can be part of a pattern of distorted thinking and identity conflict that can escalate to involve harming the self and others. An example of a Sexual Disorder (NOS) or Not Otherwise Specified in the DSM-IV-TR, (2000) includes: distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by an individual only as things to be used. (It should be noted that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders has never used the word “addiction” to describe any of its disorders).
The defining elements of this kind of addiction are its secrecy and escalating nature, often resulting in diminished judgment and self-control.
Brief History of Sex Addiction
In 1976, a suburban hospital administrator asked Dr. Patrick Carnes to start an experimental program for chemically dependent families. The theoretical constructs of the program originated in general systems theory, especially as it applied to families and the 12-steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. One of the many factors which stood out from a family perspective was that the addictive compulsivity had many forms other than alcohol and drug abuse including overeating, gambling, shoplifting, and sexuality. Members of groups like Overeaters Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous had already pioneered in applying the 12-steps to other addictions so the Family Renewal Center extended its programming based on the 12-steps, to sexual addiction.
In 1983, Dr. Patrick Carnes formally introduced the concept of sexual addiction to the world in a text entitled “Out of the Shadows.” Since then the field of sexual addiction and compulsive sexual behavior has developed dramatically. Terms such as addiction, compulsivity, hyper-sexuality, and “Don Juanism,” all have been used to describe what generically could be called "out of control sexual behavior." Regardless of its name, clinicians from all fields agree that a syndrome exists in which individuals have a sense that they have lost control over their sexual behavior.
According to the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH), sexual addiction is a persistent and escalating pattern or patterns of sexual behaviors acted out despite increasingly negative consequences to self or others. The fundamental nature of all addiction is the addicts' experience of helplessness and powerlessness over an obsessive-compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The addict may be out of control. They may experience extreme emotional pain and shame. They may repeatedly fail to control their behavior. They may suffer one or more of the following consequences of an unmanageable lifestyle: a deterioration of some or all supportive relationships; difficulties with work, financial troubles; and physical, mental, and/ or emotional exhaustion which sometimes leads to psychiatric problems and hospitalization. Addictions tend to arise from the same backgrounds: families with co-dependency including multiple addictions; lack of effective parenting; and other forms of physical, emotional and sexual trauma in childhood.
The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health (SASH, 2005) report that the symptoms of sexual compulsivity often accompany other addictive behaviors:
Alcohol and Drug Addiction – Alcohol and drugs alter libido, enhancing it early in drug addiction and inhibiting it later. There is a pattern in cocaine addiction of selling sexual favors for cocaine. As the cost of drug addiction increases, the drug addict usually can't afford the drug from ordinary job income, and must resort to (either/or) stealing, drug dealing or prostitution to support their habit. Alcohol and many drugs cause blackouts or amnesia during the drug using experience, and if sex is coupled with that drug using experience then the details of the sexual experience may not be remembered.
Food Addiction - Sexual anorexia or pathological self-denial of healthy sex is a frequent accompaniment of overeating and anorexia nervosa.
Pathological Gambling - The lifestyle of the gambler often includes hyper-sexuality, where both compulsions feed the false sense of self-esteem of the addict.
Religious Addiction - Compulsive religiosity sometimes accompanies sexual addiction as the sex addict is seeking religion to lessen guilt and shame. The beginnings of compulsive religiosity may signal the onset of a period of sexual anorexia.
Multiple Addictions
Since it is impossible to expect treatment for one addiction to be beneficial when other addictions co-exist, the initial therapeutic intervention for any addiction needs to include an assessment for other addictions. National surveys revealed that a very high correlation exists between sexual addiction and other substance abuse and behavioral addictions. Sexual addicts who have reported experiencing multiple addictions include sexual addiction and:
§ Chemical dependency (42%)
§ Eating disorder (38%)
§ Compulsive working (28%)
§ Compulsive spending (26%)
§ Compulsive gambling (5%)
Poor Prognosis
We have come to realize today more than any other time in history that the treatment of lifestyle diseases and addictions are often a difficult and frustrating task for all concerned. Repeated failures abound with all of the addictions, even with utilizing the most effective treatment strategies. But why do 47% of patients treated in private addiction treatment programs (for example) relapse within the first year following treatment (Gorski, T., 2001)? Have addiction specialists become conditioned to accept failure as the norm? There are many reasons for this poor prognosis. Some would proclaim that addictions are psychosomatically- induced and maintained in a semi-balanced force field of driving and restraining multidimensional forces. Others would say that failures are due simply to a lack of self-motivation or will power. Most would agree that lifestyle behavioral addictions are serious health risks that deserve our attention, but could it possibly be that patients with multiple addictions are being under diagnosed (with a single dependence) simply due to a lack of diagnostic tools and resources that are incapable of resolving the complexity of assessing and treating a patient with multiple addictions?
Diagnostic Delineation
Thus far, the DSM-IV-TR has not delineated a diagnosis for the complexity of multiple behavioral and substance addictions. It has reserved the Poly-substance Dependence diagnosis for a person who is repeatedly using at least three groups of substances during the same 12-month period, but the criteria for this diagnosis do not involve any behavioral addiction symptoms. In the Psychological Factors Affecting Medical Condition’s section (DSM-IV-TR, 2000); maladaptive health behaviors (e.g., unsafe sexual practices, excessive alcohol, drug use, and over eating, etc.) may be listed on Axis I, only if they are significantly affecting the course of treatment of a medical or mental condition.
Since successful treatment outcomes are dependent on thorough assessments, accurate diagnoses, and comprehensive individualized treatment planning, it is no wonder that repeated rehabilitation failures and low success rates are the norm instead of the exception in the addictions field, when the latest DSM-IV-TR does not even include a diagnosis for multiple addictive behavioral disorders. Treatment clinics need to have a treatment planning system and referral network that is equipped to thoroughly assess multiple addictive and mental health disorders and related treatment needs and comprehensively provide education/ awareness, prevention strategy groups, and/ or specific addictions treatment services for individuals diagnosed with multiple addictions. Written treatment goals and objectives should be specified for each separate addiction and dimension of an individuals’ life, and the desired performance outcome or completion criteria should be specifically stated, behaviorally based (a visible activity), and measurable.
New Proposed Diagnosis
To assist in resolving the limited DSM-IV-TRs’ diagnostic capability, a multidimensional diagnosis of “Poly-behavioral Addiction,” is proposed for more accurate diagnosis leading to more effective treatment planning. This diagnosis encompasses the broadest category of addictive disorders that would include an individual manifesting a combination of substance abuse addictions, and other obsessively-compulsive behavioral addictive behavioral patterns to pathological gambling, religion, and/ or sex / pornography, etc.).
Behavioral addictions are just as damaging - psychologically and socially as alcohol and drug abuse. They are comparative to other life-style diseases such as diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease in their behavioral manifestations, their etiologies, and their resistance to treatments. They are progressive disorders that involve obsessive thinking and compulsive behaviors. They are also characterized by a preoccupation with a continuous or periodic loss of control, and continuous irrational behavior in spite of adverse consequences.
Poly-behavioral addiction would be described as a state of periodic or chronic physical, mental, emotional, cultural, sexual and/ or spiritual/ religious intoxication. These various types of intoxication are produced by repeated obsessive thoughts and compulsive practices involved in pathological relationships to any mood-altering substance, person, organization, belief system, and/ or activity. The individual has an overpowering desire, need or compulsion with the presence of a tendency to intensify their adherence to these practices, and evidence of phenomena of tolerance, abstinence and withdrawal, in which there is always physical and/ or psychic dependence on the effects of this pathological relationship.
Poly-behavioral addiction would be described as a state of periodic or chronic physical, mental, emotional, cultural, sexual and/ or spiritual/ religious intoxication. These various types of intoxication are produced by repeated obsessive thoughts and compulsive practices involved in pathological relationships to any mood-altering substance, person, organization, belief system, and/ or activity. The individual has an overpowering desire, need or compulsion with the presence of a tendency to intensify their adherence to these practices, and evidence of phenomena of tolerance, abstinence and withdrawal, in which there is always physical and/ or psychic dependence on the effects of this pathological relationship.
In addition, there is a 12 - month period in which an individual is pathologically involved with three or more behavioral and/ or substance use addictions simultaneously, but the criteria are not met for dependence for any one addiction in particular (Slobodzien, J., 2005). In essence, Poly-behavioral addiction is the synergistically integrated chronic dependence on multiple physiologically addictive substances and behaviors (e.g., using/ abusing substances - nicotine, alcohol, & drugs, and/or acting impulsively or obsessively compulsive in regards to gambling, food binging, sex, and/ or religion, etc.) simultaneously.
Conclusion
Considering the wide range of sexual behaviors in our world today, one should always take into account an individual’s ethnic, cultural, religious, and social background prior to making any clinical judgments, and it would be wise to not over-pathologize in this area of Sexual Dependency. However, since successful treatment outcomes are dependent on thorough assessments, accurate diagnoses, and comprehensive individualized treatment planning - poly-behavioral addiction needs to be identified to effectively treat the complexity of multiple behavioral and substance addictions.
Since chronic lifestyle diseases and disorders such as diabetes, hypertension, alcoholism, drug and behavioral addictions cannot be cured, but only managed - how should we effectively manage poly-behavioral addiction?
The Addiction Recovery Measurement System (ARMS) is proposed utilizing a multidimensional integrative assessment, treatment planning, treatment progress, and treatment outcome measurement tracking system that facilitates rapid and accurate recognition and evaluation of an individual’s comprehensive life-functioning progress dimensions. The ARMS hypothesis purports that there is a multidimensional synergistically negative resistance that individual’s develop to any one form of treatment to a single dimension of their lives, because the effects of an individual’s addiction have dynamically interacted multi-dimensionally. Having the primary focus on one dimension is insufficient.
Traditionally, addiction treatment programs have failed to accommodate for the multidimensional synergistically negative effects of an individual having multiple addictions, (e.g. nicotine, alcohol, and obesity, etc.). Behavioral addictions interact negatively with each other and with strategies to improve overall functioning. They tend to encourage the use of tobacco, alcohol and other drugs, help increase violence, decrease functional capacity, and promote social isolation. Most treatment theories today involve assessing other dimensions to identify dual diagnosis or co-morbidity diagnoses, or to assess contributing factors that may play a role in the individual’s primary addiction. The ARMS’ theory proclaims that a multidimensional treatment plan must be devised addressing the possible multiple addictions identified for each one of an individual’s life dimensions in addition to developing specific goals and objectives for each dimension.
Partnerships and coordination among service providers, government departments, and community organizations in providing addiction treatment programs are a necessity in addressing the multi-task solution to poly-behavioral addiction. I encourage you to support the addiction programs in America, and hope that the (ARMS) resources can assist you to personally fight the War on poly-behavioral addiction.
For more info see:
Poly-Behavioral Addiction and the Addictions Recovery Measurement System (ARMS)
By James Slobodzien, Psy.D. CSAC at:
http://www.geocities.com/drslbdzn/Behavioral_Addictions.html
National Council on Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity
P.O. Box 725544
Atlanta, GA 31139
(770) 541-9912
Partnerships and coordination among service providers, government departments, and community organizations in providing addiction treatment programs are a necessity in addressing the multi-task solution to poly-behavioral addiction. I encourage you to support the addiction programs in America, and hope that the (ARMS) resources can assist you to personally fight the War on poly-behavioral addiction.
For more info see:
Poly-Behavioral Addiction and the Addictions Recovery Measurement System (ARMS)
By James Slobodzien, Psy.D. CSAC at:
http://www.geocities.com/drslbdzn/Behavioral_Addictions.html
National Council on Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity
P.O. Box 725544
Atlanta, GA 31139
(770) 541-9912
Sexual Addiction Resources
http://www.sexhelp.com
James Slobodzien, Psy.D. CSAC, is a Hawaii licensed psychologist and certified substance abuse counselor who earned his doctorate in Clinical Psychology. The National Registry of Health Service Providers in Psychology credentials Dr. Slobodzien. He has over 20-years of mental health experience primarily working in the fields of alcohol/ substance abuse and behavioral addictions in medical, correctional, and judicial settings. He is an adjunct professor of Psychology and also maintains a private practice as a mental health consultant.
References
American Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition,
Text Revision. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association, 2000, p. 787 & p. 731.
American Society of Addiction Medicine’s (2003), “Patient Placement Criteria for the
Treatment of Substance-Related Disorders, 3rd Edition, Retrieved, June 18, 2005, from:
http://www.asam.org/
Arthur Aron, Ph.D., professor, psychology, State University of New York, Stony Brook; Helen
Fisher, research professor, department of anthropology, Rutgers University, New Brunswick, N.J.;
Paul Sanberg, Ph.D.,professor, neuroscience, and director, Center of Excellence for Aging and
Brain Repair,University of South Florida College of Medicine, Tampa; June 2005, the Journal of
Neurophysiology
Carnes, P.J. (1983). Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. Minneapolis, MN: Compcare.
Carnes, P.J. (1989). Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict. Minneapolis, MN: Compcare.
Carnes, P.J. (1991). Don't Call it Love. Minneapolis, MN: Gentle Press Publishing.
Carnes, P.J. (1997). Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-hatred. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
Carnes, P.J., & Delmonico, D.L. (1994). Sexual Dependency Inventory. Wickenburg, AZ: The Meadows Institute.
Carnes, P.J., Delmonico, D.L., & Griffin, E. J. (2001). In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of
Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
Delmonico, D.L. (1997). Internet Sex Screening Test. [Online]. Available at: http://www.sexhelp.com
Delmonico, D.L., Griffin, E.J., & Moriarity, J. (2001). Cybersex Unhooked: A Workbook for Breaking Free From Online Compulsive Sexual Behavior. Wickenburg, AZ: Gentle Path Press.
Gorski, T. (2001), Relapse Prevention In The Managed Care Environment. GORSKI-CENAPS Web
Publications. Retrieved June 20, 2005, from: www.tgorski.com
Lienard, J. & Vamecq, J. (2004), Presse Med, Oct 23;33(18 Suppl):33-40.
Marlatt, G. A. (1985). Relapse prevention: Theoretical rationale and overview of the model. In G. A.
Marlatt & J. R. Gordon (Eds.), Relapse prevention (pp. 250-280). New York: Guilford Press.
Schneider, J.P. (1994). Sex addiction: Controversy within mainstream addiction medicine, diagnosis based on the DSV-III-R and physician case histories. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity: Journal of Treatment and Prevention, 1(1), 19-44.
Slobodzien, J. (2005). Poly-behavioral Addiction and the Addictions Recovery Measurement System (ARMS), Booklocker.com, Inc., p. 5.
James Slobodzien, Psy.D. CSAC, is a Hawaii licensed psychologist and certified substance abuse counselor who earned his doctorate in Clinical Psychology. The National Registry of Health Service Providers in Psychology credentials Dr. Slobodzien. He has over 20-years of mental health experience primarily working in the fields of alcohol/ substance abuse and behavioral addictions in medical, correctional, and judicial settings. He is an adjunct professor of Psychology and also maintains a private practice as a mental health consultant.
References
American Psychiatric Association: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition,
Text Revision. Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Association, 2000, p. 787 & p. 731.
American Society of Addiction Medicine’s (2003), “Patient Placement Criteria for the
Treatment of Substance-Related Disorders, 3rd Edition, Retrieved, June 18, 2005, from:
http://www.asam.org/
Arthur Aron, Ph.D., professor, psychology, State University of New York, Stony Brook; Helen
Fisher, research professor, department of anthropology, Rutgers University, New Brunswick, N.J.;
Paul Sanberg, Ph.D.,professor, neuroscience, and director, Center of Excellence for Aging and
Brain Repair,University of South Florida College of Medicine, Tampa; June 2005, the Journal of
Neurophysiology
Carnes, P.J. (1983). Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. Minneapolis, MN: Compcare.
Carnes, P.J. (1989). Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict. Minneapolis, MN: Compcare.
Carnes, P.J. (1991). Don't Call it Love. Minneapolis, MN: Gentle Press Publishing.
Carnes, P.J. (1997). Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-hatred. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
Carnes, P.J., & Delmonico, D.L. (1994). Sexual Dependency Inventory. Wickenburg, AZ: The Meadows Institute.
Carnes, P.J., Delmonico, D.L., & Griffin, E. J. (2001). In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of
Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
Delmonico, D.L. (1997). Internet Sex Screening Test. [Online]. Available at: http://www.sexhelp.com
Delmonico, D.L., Griffin, E.J., & Moriarity, J. (2001). Cybersex Unhooked: A Workbook for Breaking Free From Online Compulsive Sexual Behavior. Wickenburg, AZ: Gentle Path Press.
Gorski, T. (2001), Relapse Prevention In The Managed Care Environment. GORSKI-CENAPS Web
Publications. Retrieved June 20, 2005, from: www.tgorski.com
Lienard, J. & Vamecq, J. (2004), Presse Med, Oct 23;33(18 Suppl):33-40.
Marlatt, G. A. (1985). Relapse prevention: Theoretical rationale and overview of the model. In G. A.
Marlatt & J. R. Gordon (Eds.), Relapse prevention (pp. 250-280). New York: Guilford Press.
Schneider, J.P. (1994). Sex addiction: Controversy within mainstream addiction medicine, diagnosis based on the DSV-III-R and physician case histories. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity: Journal of Treatment and Prevention, 1(1), 19-44.
Slobodzien, J. (2005). Poly-behavioral Addiction and the Addictions Recovery Measurement System (ARMS), Booklocker.com, Inc., p. 5.
Do You Love Yourself?
by: Rick Valens
Always feeling insecurity over your love relationship? So much so to the extent of even feeling suspicious, doubting your partner’s love for you? Well though it might not exactly always be your fault but still I must say, this is the beginning of a very unhealthy relationship. In the long run, it might even lead to an end of the relationship.
I should believe that you are having such thoughts because you really cherish this relationship? But well, perhaps cherishing it just a bit too much? Think about it, how would you feel if things were the other way round? Would you like it if your partner were to doubt your love for them instead? Always calling on you to find out where you are, whom you are with, what you are doing? Believe me, nobody like that. It is only negative and more negative feedbacks that I have got from friends that are having such encounters.
Some, who simply cannot stand it, initiated a break off.
Remember, trust between partners is one of the key criteria to a happy and fulfilling relationship. Without it, an ever-lasting relationship would never be possible.
But first of all, before we can built up this mutual trust, that is one very important thing you must achieve and that is, to trust yourself! If you don’t even trust yourself, how can you expect others, your very love to trust you? To have faith in the relationship?
You must believe in yourself, believing that there is this very special you within yourself. A very special you that make you well liked by friends and family, which of course also include your very love, loving this very special and unique you.
Everybody is unique in his or her very own way. That can only be one you and no more else in this world. Your friends and family like you for who you are. Your love, loves you for who you are. So when everyone genuine likes you, how can you yourself, don’t like yourself as who you are? Doubting your very own self? I don’t suppose you wanna lose your friends and that special someone whom you truly love?
Look into the mirror today and tell yourself, “You are great! I love you!” Yes, when you love yourself, you will naturally have this feel of confidence bringing out that very radiance in you. When you yourself are happy, others will naturally feel happy when being with you.
Remember, love is always a two-way communication. It takes two, a happy you and a happy him or her to complete the equation.
Rick Valens
Staff Writer for http://www.loveletterbox.com, Love Relationship Discussion ForumCurrently also freelance writer for http://www.ecemetery.org, Monument of Eternal Memory.
Read more...
Actually, the difference between the two concepts is bigger than some of us would like it to be. And, as almost every time, women feel it the most. What is the difference? Well, love. Women need to be protected, looked after and loved as much in bed as in every day life.
Keep in mind that this is not just a legend used by women to manipulate men. The difference between having sex and making love, together with it's implications in a couple's sex life is what many men forget when sharing the bed-sheets with a woman.
Clearly, everything written so far will not apply to one-night-stands. In those cases it is all about a sexual intercourse between two people who only share their bodies. After the bottom line has been drawn, most men feel good about themselves after a one-night-stand, without thinking about their sexual performance. Totally pleasing a woman from the very first time is no easy job as the only mystery she had disclosed is her body.
Yet, most men are attracted to one-night-stands or, with other words, to having sex. The lack of commitment needed and the easy attaining of the main goal: feeling good, are just two reasons pleading in favor of having sex.
On the other hand there is so much more between a man and a woman making love. There are feelings and emotions, leading to a totally different connection between the two of them. More than that, for women, one of the most important things during sex is the environment. And this means everything from location to those few candles some like to place around the bed.
Let's take them in turn a little bit. If you want to leave her smiling and begging for a cigarette and some more there are some things you might like to take into consideration. Trying dad's old car's rear suspension will make the car happier than her. The ideal location would certainly be a bed in a nice and cozy room with nothing interfering with the moment. Someone knocking on the door or even a ringing phone can have very undesirable effects. Some candle-like lights and easy-listening music in the background adds even more to the overall foreplay.
Explore every inch of her body and draw imaginary contours with your fingers and tongue, kiss her neck, breasts, belly and legs, all in a specific order surrounding the most important area and closing in at the same time. All this will increase the tension and when that moment comes both you and her will feel the difference.
Communication is essential for great results. Men must pay attention to the unspoken signs every woman gives them. Ignoring these signs will make women feel used. The old legend that says that when a woman says "no" she actually means "yes" is nothing more than a poor excuse so keep your ears open for her desires.
If all goes well, you might be given the supreme sexual command and that's "don't stop!" When you hear that, whatever you do, DON'T STOP!
About The Author:
I should believe that you are having such thoughts because you really cherish this relationship? But well, perhaps cherishing it just a bit too much? Think about it, how would you feel if things were the other way round? Would you like it if your partner were to doubt your love for them instead? Always calling on you to find out where you are, whom you are with, what you are doing? Believe me, nobody like that. It is only negative and more negative feedbacks that I have got from friends that are having such encounters.
Some, who simply cannot stand it, initiated a break off.
Remember, trust between partners is one of the key criteria to a happy and fulfilling relationship. Without it, an ever-lasting relationship would never be possible.
But first of all, before we can built up this mutual trust, that is one very important thing you must achieve and that is, to trust yourself! If you don’t even trust yourself, how can you expect others, your very love to trust you? To have faith in the relationship?
You must believe in yourself, believing that there is this very special you within yourself. A very special you that make you well liked by friends and family, which of course also include your very love, loving this very special and unique you.
Everybody is unique in his or her very own way. That can only be one you and no more else in this world. Your friends and family like you for who you are. Your love, loves you for who you are. So when everyone genuine likes you, how can you yourself, don’t like yourself as who you are? Doubting your very own self? I don’t suppose you wanna lose your friends and that special someone whom you truly love?
Look into the mirror today and tell yourself, “You are great! I love you!” Yes, when you love yourself, you will naturally have this feel of confidence bringing out that very radiance in you. When you yourself are happy, others will naturally feel happy when being with you.
Remember, love is always a two-way communication. It takes two, a happy you and a happy him or her to complete the equation.
Rick Valens
Staff Writer for http://www.loveletterbox.com, Love Relationship Discussion ForumCurrently also freelance writer for http://www.ecemetery.org, Monument of Eternal Memory.
Actually, the difference between the two concepts is bigger than some of us would like it to be. And, as almost every time, women feel it the most. What is the difference? Well, love. Women need to be protected, looked after and loved as much in bed as in every day life.
Keep in mind that this is not just a legend used by women to manipulate men. The difference between having sex and making love, together with it's implications in a couple's sex life is what many men forget when sharing the bed-sheets with a woman.
Clearly, everything written so far will not apply to one-night-stands. In those cases it is all about a sexual intercourse between two people who only share their bodies. After the bottom line has been drawn, most men feel good about themselves after a one-night-stand, without thinking about their sexual performance. Totally pleasing a woman from the very first time is no easy job as the only mystery she had disclosed is her body.
Yet, most men are attracted to one-night-stands or, with other words, to having sex. The lack of commitment needed and the easy attaining of the main goal: feeling good, are just two reasons pleading in favor of having sex.
On the other hand there is so much more between a man and a woman making love. There are feelings and emotions, leading to a totally different connection between the two of them. More than that, for women, one of the most important things during sex is the environment. And this means everything from location to those few candles some like to place around the bed.
Let's take them in turn a little bit. If you want to leave her smiling and begging for a cigarette and some more there are some things you might like to take into consideration. Trying dad's old car's rear suspension will make the car happier than her. The ideal location would certainly be a bed in a nice and cozy room with nothing interfering with the moment. Someone knocking on the door or even a ringing phone can have very undesirable effects. Some candle-like lights and easy-listening music in the background adds even more to the overall foreplay.
Explore every inch of her body and draw imaginary contours with your fingers and tongue, kiss her neck, breasts, belly and legs, all in a specific order surrounding the most important area and closing in at the same time. All this will increase the tension and when that moment comes both you and her will feel the difference.
Communication is essential for great results. Men must pay attention to the unspoken signs every woman gives them. Ignoring these signs will make women feel used. The old legend that says that when a woman says "no" she actually means "yes" is nothing more than a poor excuse so keep your ears open for her desires.
If all goes well, you might be given the supreme sexual command and that's "don't stop!" When you hear that, whatever you do, DON'T STOP!
About The Author:
Caterina Christakos is a published author and dating coach. Learn what really turns women on at: http://www.what-women-want.com
Honesty: The Key to a Good Relationship?
by: Susan Dunn
A coaching client recently told me, "I'm convinced if two people are totally honest, they can be married." As a dating coach for midlifers, I hear from a lot of folks who are dating. I also stay current with the dating scene on the Internet, and read the profiles people write. Men often say that "honesty" is crucial for a relationship, while women rarely do. Let's take a look at this.
First I'm going to speculate as to why men say this and women don't, and then I want to talk about the place of honesty in a relationship.
As we know from research, and such books as "If Men Could Talk: Unlocking the Secret Language of Men,"(http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0316178683/susandunnmome-20), by Alon Gratch, Ph.D., men, as a rule, have more trouble verbalizing emotions, something most of us would also agree is crucial to an intimate relationship. Not that we need to talk about emotions all the time, but that it's necessary to know what you feel and to be able to communicate it when necessary. It becomes particularly important when the relationship meets an impasse. You need to what the problem really is. Are you picking on her about her outfit because you haven't had sex in 4 days? Are you accusing him of ignoring you all the time, when really he does a fair job most of the time, but tonight you're hungry and tired?
According to Emotional Intelligence research, men and women test the same overall, but men, on average, are not as empathic as women (Reuven BarOn). Simon-Baron, Cambridge professor of psychology and psychiatry agrees. His thesis in "The Essential Difference: The Truth About the Male and Female Brain," is: "The female brain is predominantly hard-wired for empathy. The male brain is predominantly hard-wired for understanding and building systems."
Of course the "average" man, statistically speaking, is not necessarily the individual sitting in front of you. But where there's smoke there's fire.
So why the male emphasis on "honesty"? And are they referring to honesty about thoughts, feelings, facts, or what? If what we're being honest about is "the truth," how we feel is indisputable, and many facts are, but the truth of any given situation is relative, most of us would agree,or our relationships would not become the imbroglios they do
"Mr. and Mrs. Smith does a great job or portraying marriage, and beings with him saying they've been married 5 years, and her saying "6". If there's an absolute truth ("reality"), it's of little use in human relations.
Men engage more in what's called "selective remembering."
He remembers the games he won, not the games he lost. He remembers when to change the oil in the car, but not his girl-friend's birthday. Selective listening may be part of it. He hears that the prime rate has gone down, but not that you'd like more time with him. I couldn't help wonder if this client would hear "honesty" if it were given.
"Honesty", I think, is a systems-word. Women, in their profiles, are more likely to focus on behaviors. "No philanderers," they say, and "no addicts." You see the difference . if he's unfaithful and honest about it , they're still not interested. Doh.
Women use language to connect, and are more hard-wired for emotion. They enjoy experiencing it and talking about it, while men consider emotions a call to discharge by action. They are not as likely to use a verbal strategy to deal with a feeling.
Women have a larger corpus callosum, so it's easier for us to talk about emotions. TALKING about a FEELING is multi-tasking, and one of the hardest things we ask our brains to do.
Women also say thousands more words a day than men do. Testosterone causes silence. Men talk about facts and want clarity and brevity. Women also, according to Reuven Bar-on, have a greater sense of social responsibility. Does this preclude honesty? When we meet for lunch, we greet each other as Nancy, and Kelly, and Meg. Men? Fatso, and Stupid and Loser. Are men being more "honest"? If so, are they being less socially responsible, i.e., not caring if they hurt the other guy's feelings? I can't imagine a man's feelings being hurt by that, yet no woman would greet another woman with Big Butt, Drama Queen, or Boobless Wonder, though they might think it.
Would being 100% honest insure the survival of a relationship? No. The person might be "honest" about the fact that they could not live with you any more and were filing for divorce. Do men say this because they're attempting to systemize, with rules? Or because they've found women to be "dishonest"?
I've heard more than one man say, "I don't know why she left me. I thought we had a perfect marriage. (Women divorce men more often than vice versa.) Variations include, "She was deceptive. I didn't know anything was wrong," and "She told me why she was leaving, but it doesn't make any sense." A plea for "honesty" might be a plea for comprehensibility.
A female client told me she told her man, "I love but, you I don't like you right now." He said she was being dishonest, "because you can't be both at once". It didn't fit his system or either/or. Honesty, I think, or the reporting of it, requires clear, logical thinking. Who's clear and logical when fighting with a lover? Or listening to one?
If you're a man, are you listening, as in hearing? This means hearing the feelings, not assessing the facts. If you're a woman, are you being clear? Women tend to know sooner when a relationship is headed for trouble and attempt to address it. If you're a man, are you hearing this as "being told what to do"?
I think this plea from men for honesty is a wish to be able to understand the woman they love (and themselves in the relationship). They want facts and clarity. However, to understand others, you must first understand yourself, and this means feelings. Honesty, alas, begins at home.
As a concept that I believe is both unachievable and potentially destructive, I tend to agree with Graham Greene: "The truth has never been of any real value to any human being - it is a symbol for mathematicians and philosophers to pursue. In human relations, kindness and lies are worth a thousands truths." It is nearly impossible for me to outright lie, about either a fact or a feeling, but I will at times do what the Arabs propose: "It is good to know the truth, but it is better to speak of palm trees." Discretion is the better part of valor.
There's something else to consider about being honest:
Whether it's true or not, it's true. As John Lilly said, "In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true or becomes true."
Now, what about total honesty between two people?
Kindness may be of more value. Honesty should not be used as the weapon it can be. One of the cruelest things we can do is to use an intimate revelation against the person who said it. We know how to hurt the people we love. It's part of our obligation as a decent human beings not to do this. "Better a lie that heals than a truth that wounds," say the Czechs.
Should you be honest about your feelings? Yes . but. Let's say he wants sex and you don't. It's one thing to say, "I don't feel like it now. I had a terrible day at work," and even possible to say, "Not until you've taken a shower and put on some deodorant." But to say, "No, you're the worst lover I've ever had, and like you were saying about your ex-wife the other night ." That sort of "honesty" is inexcusable, and, if not true, soon will be.
There's no easy solution to this. I researched the world's proverbs on this subject we all struggle with. Most were in the vein of "Whoever tells the truth is chased out of nine villages." (African). The Corsicans stood out: "He who tells the truth will never be unhappy," they say. Maybe the answer lies in the Arab proverb: "When you shoot an arrow of truth, dip its point in honey."
An intimate relationship isn't a system, it's a dance, and the music is emotions. Developing your EQ is essential, so you can learn to know, manage and express your emotions better, and to practice the competency of forgiveness, which will always be needed.
Sometimes the most honest thing you can say is, "I don't know what to say now," and the most helpful thing you can say is, "I love you." And keep in mind, to paraphrase Thomas Leonard, we're all doing our very best, even when clearly we're not.
Not what are you going to say, honestly, to your loved one when she says, "Does my butt look fat in these pants?" and when he says, "Am I a good lover?" You can always got to a feeing, and here are some: I feel uncomfortable when you ask me that.
I'm wondering why you ask.
I love you.
Let's talk about what you're really wanting to know.
©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence for your personal and professional success. We coach and train EQ coaches internationally. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for information on this fast, affordable, comprehensive, no-residency program, arranged to fit your schedule. Coaching is the ideal profession. Email for FREE EQ ezine.
You may be in love if …
by: Jan Michaels
1. If you’ve ever stared deeply into the eyes of your significant other for more than 10 seconds without cracking up hysterically … you may be in love.
2. If every person in your life tells you that she/he’s no good and you’re mailman, pharmacist and local news station agrees, yet you think they are “just jealous” … you may be in love.
3. Guys: if you’ve taken the pictures of the other women in you’re life off the walls, like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition posters, Playmate of the month calendar, Monster Truck Rally 2005 … you may be in love.
4. Ladies: men can produce excessive amounts of eye watering, nose burning noxious odor from almost any food or drink, and then aren’t above sharing it with others, especially at night. Knowing all this, and you STILL want to sleep in the same bed with him … you may be in love.
5. If your significant other asks you how they look in their new retro polyester lime green outfit and you say they look hot … you may be in love…. or you have a really strong self preservation instinct.
6. Guys: if you’ve ever given up washing and waxing that new car you just bought to watch “Sleepless in Seattle” with you’re girlfriend/wife for the 20th time … you may be in love.
7. If you always remember every anniversary and birthday of your partner, and you’re not female … you may be in love.
8. If you think the underwear and socks you get for your birthday and Christmas every year is a pleasant surprise … you may be in love.
9. If you thought the Sears Tool Set and rolling cabinet you got for your birthday was great idea, and you’re not male ... you may be in love.
10. If you are taken to Burger King for a romantic dinner, and that doesn’t bother you … you may be in love.
11. If you notice your local florist starts arriving at work in a limo since you became a customer ... you may be in love
12. If hearing "Honey, wheres my clean underwear?" brings tears of joy to your eyes ... you may be in love
But the easiest way to tell if you are in love is this: If there is no one on this planet that you would rather spend everyday of your life with than the one you are with … then you ARE in love!
Jan Michaels is a self-described relationship expert (why is his girlfriend laughing?) that is truly in love. When not writing amusing articles, he doesn't do much of anything really important, unless feeding the cat counts.
You can see more of his musings or various and sundry humorous items at: http://www.brunkco.com
Or, you may contact him at: hiredgun@brunkco.com Read more...
The Sex Trap is similar to the Love Trap, where singles interpret good sex as love. But those who fall into the Sex Trap go even farther, because for these singles, having sex carries immense meaning and consequences.
Singles fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of two ways:
A. they believe sex is a necessary test of compatibility, (if the sex is good then the relationship will be good as well)
B. more commonly, all consciousness goes out the window, and one or both formerly level-headed singles consider themselves a committed couple as soon as they have sex.
So, rather than looking at whether this other person might be a match on levels other than physical attraction — such as long-term requirements, needs, and wants — they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
No doubt, it can be challenging to keep in touch with reality when all those hormones are running wild. Our body reacts to someone we are attracted to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone (increases sexual desire), which makes the opportunity to have sex with someone we are attracted to extremely hard to resist. Then, after orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce emotions), which makes us feel very close to and bonded with our sex partner.
These chemical reactions are involuntary and strong, leading to powerful feelings of attraction, excitement, love, closeness, and well-being.
But when problems arise, those who fall into the Sex Trap often rationalize by thinking, "Well, we've got problems, but the sex is great!" They most likely wouldn't admit it, but they prioritize physical intimacy and regard the rest as optional. Their main scouting tools are sexual attraction and physical compatibility.
Barry North, an RCI coach who works primarily with gay men, says that many of his clients have fallen into the Sex Trap.
"For gay men especially in metropolitan areas, sex is readily available, and that in itself is a trap," North says. "In addition, the culture, with its emphasis on physical appearance, encourages sexual activity. Many gay men want to find out from the beginning if a potential partner is going to be sexually compatible. Why waste your time if the sex isn't going to be good?"
Nonetheless, North adds, "I suspect this is a 'guy' thing rather than a 'gay' thing."
I do want to point out that chemistry is important. Yet, chemistry is a given that we can't control in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it must be there for the partnership to work. If not there, we can't "make" chemistry happen, though sometimes it can grow over time.
Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry risk relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication wears off and reality hits.
To avoid the Sex Trap, you must balance your heart (and hormones) with your head. This means combining chemistry with common sense. While good sex is important for a sustainable relationship, you need to make your partner choices by paying full attention to your vision, values, goals and requirements — while feeling all those exciting sparks!
About The Author:
David Steele, MA, is the founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute and a pioneer in working with singles. He has helped thousands of singles and couples get what they want from relationships. His new book, Conscious Dating; Finding the Love of Your Life in Today’s World, readers precisely how to get what they want in their own life. To learn more, visit http://www.consciousdating.com/
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